Jokes!

[von_lounger]

Little Johnny understands the program and will do well as a capitalist.

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
 
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.
 
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.
 
Little Jenny was next:
 
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
 
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
 
The teacher held her breath ...
 
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
 
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
 
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
 
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip
& Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
 
Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy for free,
and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth."

[Dominum]

Epic, a plus one for you good sir!

[von_lounger]

HIGH SCHOOL--1967 vs. 2010


    Scenario 1:

  Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truckback window's gun rack.

  1967 -Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

  2010 -School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
            traumatized students and teachers. 

  Scenario 2:

  Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

  1967 -Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

  2010 -Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both
            expelled even though Johnny started it.

  Scenario 3:

  Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

  1967 -Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

  2010 -Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money
            (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

  Scenario 4: 

  Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

  1967 -Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

  2010 -Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

  Scenario 5:

  Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..

  1967- Mark shares his aspirin with a school buddy that has a headache also.

  2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. 

  Scenario 6:

  Pedro fails high school English.

  1967- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

  2010- Pedro's cause is taken up by state Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.  English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. 

  Scenario 7:

  Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

  1967 -Ants die.

  2010 -ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

  Scenario 8:

  Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

  1967 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

  2010 -Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[splatmaster]

That wasn't a joke...

[D.Smitty]

OK, I'm going to tell this story.  This really happened, and I'm the butt of this joke, but I at least want credit for it.

Setting:  Lunch break of Battle of the Carolinas 2010

[Smitty walks up to Dominum's car, having just chatted with an Airsoft vendor]

Smitty:  I was just talking to that guy, and he showed me this awesome gas shotgun he's trying to sell.  He let me hold the gun and fire a couple times to see what he was talking about.  Dammit, I felt so badASS when I pumped it.

Dom:  Yeah, shotguns are pretty handy..  I've got a plastic tri-shot gun for when I'm having battery problems and the like.  You can't possibly miss once you get within range.  

Smitty:  That sounds nice, Dom.  Can I try it?  I'm thinking about a backup gun.  

[Dom reaches into his supa-dirty car to fish out the shotgun, hands to Smitty]

Smitty:  Alright, let's give it a shot.

[Smitty takes a couple tries to pump the shotgun, he wasn't expecting the amount of force it took]

Smitty:  That THAT, chicken!  [aims at chicken that is obviously out of range, fires anyway]

Smitty:  It's pretty nice, Dom.  I wasn't expecting how hard it was to pump though.

Dom:  Well, it's spring-powered, but it's still pretty useful.

Smitty:  Yeah, it's pretty nice [hands gun back]... but it's not as nice as a smooth cock.

[Dom stares aghast at Smitty for a moment, then doubles over laughing]

Smitty:  What?  Dom, what's so....[realizes what he just said]   ...mother-fu...goddarn piece of...

[Smitty walks off cursing, once Dom catches his breath, he proceeds to tell every single damn person who will listen to him what he just heard...over and over]

[SteevoLS]

Hey, I heard that story... on the phone, the day of the game!

[Bushmaster]

Henry tells us that story every time we go to his house.

[Dominum]

Yes, that is exactly what happened! I literally almost passed out from laughing so much, it was one of the funniest moments at an airsoft game. I know, it only sounds mildly funny now, but had you been there, seen Smitty, and know how he talks, you would have died laughing too. I never loan that thing out for a second without telling that story .

[von_lounger]

Left photo is how the First Couple looked coming into the White House and the second photo is how they looked leaving . . .

[img width=758 height=336]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l163/ ... mes/p1.jpg[/img]

[img width=747 height=353]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l163/ ... mes/p2.jpg[/img]

[img width=758 height=296]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l163/ ... mes/p3.jpg[/img]

[img width=748 height=393]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l163/ ... mes/p4.jpg[/img]

[img width=747 height=354]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l163/ ... mes/p5.jpg[/img]

[img width=715 height=297]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l163/ ... mes/p6.jpg[/img]

[Rayne]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA SANFORD AND SON I LOVE THAT SHOW +1 MY FRIEND

[demondawgdawson]

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to give you a +1, I am dissapointed. 

[idiot88]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied several survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me, sonâ€

[Dominum]

Thread revive, courtesy of Mrs. Dominum:

History Through The Eyes Of Eighth Graders
Posted April 12th, 2007 by The Idiot
The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.
Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it.
One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
David was a Hebrew king, skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.
Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, they threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were out numbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In medevil time most of the people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature.
Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was thepainter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

[Diesel]

Shopping trip

                  I went to Lowe's recently while not being altogether sure that course
                of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared
                and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going
                to brownstuff yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point
                of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if
                you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

                Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
                of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
                'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
                through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
                symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

                Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
                I bravely set off for Lowe's, my quest being paint and supplies to
                refinish the den.

                Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
                and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
                until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
                pain hit me.

                Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
                referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems
                to hit us at the wrong time..
                The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from
                the night before were staging a revolt.

                In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
                intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
                could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
                sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

                There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
                in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
                was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

                Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
                body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
                aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

                I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
                would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
                ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
                mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

                I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
                walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour
                so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and
                running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head
                as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
                terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

                Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
                down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
                burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
                was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
                someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

                Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
                through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
                way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place.

                Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the bathroom, began
                the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
                [censored] is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I
                was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He
                made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*girldoggie*!, did it
                smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

                Once finished and I left the restroom, re-acquired my partially filled
                cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
                approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
                minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
                The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
                which ought to take care of the problem.'

                My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
                me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
                cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
                YOU ! , then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
                unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

                Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
                but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went
                to shop at Home Depot. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
                court over the whole matter.

                They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.!

[JayRoach]

Here is a few for you guys.

There is a cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim sitting around a campfire. The Indian and the Muslim are talking and the cowboy is leaning back with his hat over his eyes. "the Indian says my people once were great but now we are small. I don't understand why." the Muslim laughs and says, "My people once were small but now we are great. explain that one."
the cowboy sits up and says, "well we have not played cowboys and Moslem's yet now have we."


What is a good trick for blonds? a tricycle with a kickstand.

Chuck Norris strains his Coffey with is teeth and boils it with his rage.

Jesus can walk on water but chuck Norris can swim on land.

When Chuck Norris does pushups, insted of pushing up he pushes the world down.