Jokes!

[TeamBadCompany]

Shopping trip

                  I went to Lowe's recently while not being altogether sure that course
                of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared
                and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going
                to brownstuff yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point
                of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if
                you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

                Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
                of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
                'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
                through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
                symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

                Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
                I bravely set off for Lowe's, my quest being paint and supplies to
                refinish the den.

                Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
                and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
                until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
                pain hit me.

                Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
                referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems
                to hit us at the wrong time..
                The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from
                the night before were staging a revolt.

                In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
                intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
                could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
                sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

                There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
                in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
                was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

                Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
                body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
                aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

                I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
                would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
                ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
                mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

                I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
                walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour
                so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and
                running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head
                as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
                terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

                Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
                down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
                burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
                was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
                someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

                Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
                through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
                way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place.

                Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the bathroom, began
                the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
                [censored] is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I
                was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He
                made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*girldoggie*!, did it
                smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

                Once finished and I left the restroom, re-acquired my partially filled
                cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
                approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
                minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
                The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
                which ought to take care of the problem.'

                My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
                me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
                cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
                YOU ! , then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
                unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

                Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
                but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went
                to shop at Home Depot. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
                court over the whole matter.

                They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.!

I lolled so hard! True story?

[specter]

^same here.
my buddy told me this one. ok. here we go... women's rights.

[PRincess]

^same here.
my buddy told me this one. ok. here we go... women's rights.

^ ^ ^
Fail.

So funny I forgot to laugh.

[specter]

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."

[Romba]

A red man wakes up in a red house. He climbs out of his red bed, looks out of the red window, and sees the beautiful red sun come up. He thinks, " It's going to be a great red day!" He walks down the hallway and down his red stairs, puts on his red jacket and goes out the red fromt door. He walks down the red sidewalk to his red car. He hops into his red car, and begins driving down the red street. He passes some red people, a red man walking his red dog, and a red fire hydrant. He finally comes to a red stop in front of a beautiful red house. he gets out of his red car, walks up the red sidewalk, and knocks on teh red door. A red man answers. The red man asks, "Could I stay in your fine red house for a couple of red nights?" The red man answers, "Sure! Just go up the red stairs, down the red hallway to the left, and its the third red room on the right. So the red man walks up the red stairs, down the red hallway, and settles into his red bedroom. A blue man wakes up in a blue house. He climbs out of his blue bed, looks out of the blue window, and sees the beautiful blue moon come up. He thinks, " It's going to be a great blue day!" He walks down the hallway and down his blue ladder, puts on his blue hoodie and goes out the blue front door. He walks down the blue sidewalk to his blue car. He hops into his blue car, and begins driving down the blue street. He passes some blue people, a blue man walking his blue cat, and a blue trash can. He finally comes to a blue stop in front of a beautiful blue house. he gets out of his blue car, walks up the blue sidewalk, and knocks on the blue door. A blue man answers. The blue man asks, "Could I stay in your fine blue house for a couple of blue nights?" The blue man answers, "Sure! Just go up the blue stairs, down the blue hallway to the left, and its the third blue room on the right. So the blue man walks up the blue stairs, down the blue hallway, and settles into his blue bedroom. A green man wakes up in a green house. He climbs out of his green bed, looks out of the green window, and sees the beautiful green sun come up. He thinks, " It's going to be a great green day!" He walks down the hallway and down his green stairs, puts on his green hat and goes out the green rabbit hole. He walks down the green sidewalk to his green hovercraft. He hops into his green hovercraft, and begins driving down the green street. He passes some green people, a green man walking his green unicorn, and a green fire hydrant. He finally comes to a green stop in front of a beautiful green house. he gets out of his green hovercraft, walks up the green sidewalk, and knocks on the green door. A green man answers. The green man asks, "Could I stay in your fine green house for a couple of green nights?" The green man answers, "Sure! Just go up the green stairs, down the green hallway to the left, and its the third green room on the right. So the green man walks up the stairs, down the hallway, and settles into his green bedroom. The three men wake up in their red, blue and green bedrooms the next morning. The red man walks down teh red stairs and eats a bowl of lucky charms. The blue man walks down the blue stairs and eats a bowl of cheerios. The green man goes down the green stairs for some lucky charms. The moral of this story is that Lucky Charms are picked to be eaten for breakfast 2:1 to cheerios. =)

[Felix]

I just wasted 2 minutes..

[Bushmaster]

How do you drown a Blonde?

Put a Scratch-N-Sniff on the bottom of a swimming pool.

[specter]

win

[dftrent12]

What's blue but smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

Not ridiculously funny but I almost always get a smile.

[Chippy]

Saw this on eon reddit...

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks "Do you smell fish?"

[Romba]

Ah ha... ha...

[specter]

NECROPOSTING ALERT!!!!
I was at blackwater 2 and was winding my hicap up redicuiously fast. one guy noticed this and asked me how I was able to wind it up so fast. I simply replied in a smart -a way "I have a girlfriend."

[atl]

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[SteevoLS]