Jokes!

[SteevoLS]

Chris Costa: "1911 mag, twinkie, twinkie, cupcake, snake... oh, there it is!"

[Vesper]

Chris Costa: "1911 mag, twinkie, twinkie, cupcake, snake... oh, there it is!"

[img width=700 height=560]http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c360/ ... Killer.jpg[/img]

[SteevoLS]

You're about a week late on that come-back, Vesper ol' boy.

[Vesper]

I was a bit busy getting caught up with studying for finals.

[hcrum87hc]

Since it's almost Christmas:

What's the difference in a snow man and a snow woman?
Snow balls

What's the difference in Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa only has three hos.

[Diesel]

                            We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

                            We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

                            My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

                            A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her hiney with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
                            to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

                            The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Bushmaster]

A woman is strolling through the park with her beloved cat when she stumbles upon a magic lamp. She rubs the lamp and a genie comes out, the genie says "I will give you three wishes". She sits and thinks for a moment and says "I wanna be the most beautiful woman ever" and suddenly she is. Then she says " I want to be the richest person ever", and suddenly she is. Then for her final wish she says "I wish my beloved cat was an extremely buff and handsome prince who is madly in love with me", and all of a sudden the cat is transformed. When the genie has gone the woman runs and embraces her former cat who is now a prince, and he whispers in her ear "Now I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week."

[von_lounger]

    An Israeli doctor says,
    "Medicine in my country is so advanced
    that we can take a kidney out of one man,
    put it in another, and have him looking for
    work in six weeks."

   
    A German doctor says,
    "That is nothing; we can take a lung
    out of one person, put it in another, and
    have him looking for work in four weeks."



    A Russian doctor says,
    "In my country, medicine is so advanced
    that we can take half a heart out of one
    person, put it in another, and have them
    both looking for work in two weeks."



    An ILLINOIS doctor says,
    "You guys are way behind.
    We recently took a man with
    no brains out of ILLINOIS ,
    put him in the White House,
    and within SIX MONTHS,
    half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

[Dominum]

Epic win.

[D.Smitty]

This joke is 9 years old, and the state they took the guy out of was Texas.

[SteevoLS]

This joke is 9 years old, and the state they took the guy out of was Texas.

[img width=480 height=366]http://videogum.com/img/thumbnails/photos/you_mad.jpg[/img]

[Dominum]

Yeah, except that was not a recession, and was caused by 911, rather than ludicrous economic policies. Also, the jobs lost early on were quickly regained until shortly before the end of his term when Frank and Dod's actions from a decade ago came to fruition and crashed the housing market, which in turn did so to the banking industry, etc.

[D.Smitty]

[img width=279 height=300]http://trueslant.com/lorrainemurphy/fil ... 79x300.jpg[/img]

You're too easy, Dom.

[von_lounger]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland.

They were driving on the Interstate 5 when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.

They started crying and turned around and went home.

[SteevoLS]

[img width=560 height=432]http://images.starcraftmazter.net/4chan ... oh_wow.jpg[/img]